January 15

Three days gone. I keep the shutters closed, unwilling to know the day from the night. The clock ticks, second, second, second, minute, minute, hour, day. They blend together in a morbid melody that echoes through my brain. Here I sit, my eyes closed, turned inward to see him there. I can't move beyond the picture of his face, smiling at me, laughing with me. So many things I should have said. Would those words have kept him here? If only I had known, I could have clasped my arms around him and held on. Instead he slipped out as I slept, as if what we shared was to be hidden. Fleeing from our love in the night. No good-bye or final kiss. I awoke and my whole life was gone. I hear nothing but the clock, mocking me with my life's store of minutes to tick away, here without him, alone.

January 28

Isabelle called again today. I still haven't answered the phone, but I turned back on the recorder. She asked me out to lunch. She means well, but she's merely two-dimensional, a moving picture, never experiencing the life that I had. It's not her fault. She can't know the depth that we shared, the consuming loss that I feel, day by day without Jason here. You can't go on like this, she said. You have to get on with your life. I think it was Isabelle who has left the bags of food that now rot on the back porch. Then again it might have been Lauren. I unplugged the recorder.

January 30

I haven't heard yet. I can't believe that he has not sent some word to me, and let me know that he's okay. What a fool I am. He probably hasn't thought about me at all. I don't know which is harder, losing the one you loved more than life, or finally realizing that you were nothing more than entertainment for him. What else can I think? I'd defy God if that's what it took to be with him, to touch his face, his lips, to feel his arms around me. How can he do less for me? Does he feel shame at my abandonment?

February 1

My Sweet Love,

This time without you has been the longest of my life. There are so many things that I should have said, but never did. I took you for granted. I know that now. Somewhere deep inside I believed that my love was strong enough, that we would make it through anything, everything. Now you're gone. I retrace the steps. Where did it happen, what place, what time? My love must have flickered. One speck of dust floated into the perfect machine that was our lives. Now you're gone.

I pray. I have done nothing but pray, pray and cry since you left. It was always "us." I don't want to be me if it's without you. Nothing matters now. If you would only let me touch you one more time, tell you all the things that I waited one more tomorrow to say. Please Jason, I will do anything. I can't go on, not without you.
I'm sorry, I write and ramble. I don't even know where to send my words. How will they reach you? You left without a forward.

Your Love
Sophie

February 2

I left a letter for Jason in the forked crease of our old tree. It's where we walked, years ago, next to the creek right before it enters the Feather River. He proposed to me there as I sat and rested my head against the aged bark. If he feels for me now, he'll find it there. It was good to see the sun again.

I want to touch him so badly, his body pulled close, his strong arms holding me soft as a baby rocking, gently rocking. Will I ever know peace again?

February 6

I'm so tired, I can't do this. I haven't left the house in days. I thought that once I journeyed out, I'd see life again and want to join it. There is nothing out there for me. The entire world is spinning on, but I can't join the spiral. I'm not ready, perhaps I never will be.

February 7

I watched our vacation video, the one I took at The Ridge. I studied Jason's eyes. They glistened, blinking into the sun to see my face. I searched them, looking for some trace of the pain or betrayal that was to come. I pushed pause and ran my fingers over his still lips on the screen. I can still taste the essence of them on my own.

He haunts my dreams. I no longer have the escape of sleep.

February 8

I think I heard his voice outside the window. It said only my name at first over and over, "Sophie, Sophie," wispy like a rush of air through the branches as they tapped against the glass. Then I began to make out other half spoken words. "I'm here."

I ran out the door and around the side of the house to the place beside the window, but no one was there.

February 10

I had to leave the house. It was a panicked feeling that quickly overtook my body, clouding my mind. I drove up into the hills not knowing where I was heading, weaving my way deeper and deeper until I found myself at the end of a logging road. There I parked. I began walking down an over grown path. I felt as if I were being lead. My brain was numb. The surroundings began to look familiar. Up until that moment I didn't know where I was, I don't know how it happened, but I was walking towards our tree. I approached it from across the creek. It was the opposite direction from where I typically entered the area, but there was no mistaking it.

There he sat, in the distance beneath the tree. Covered by the shadow of its shade, his feet stretched out towards the icy water. Jason, my sweet Jason. He was reading my letter. At first I froze. He was like a wild deer and I was afraid my presence would scare him away. Silently I crept closer, then knelt down in the underbrush and watched him. My heart pounded in my head, echoing between my ears. It was deafening. How could he not hear it?

He began to cry. His tears poured like a storm onto the paper that held my words. I stayed there, hidden behind the dead branches. My breath froze in my chest. The air felt thin. My own tears washed warm then frigid over my face. Oh God, how I love him. I wanted to run towards him, to pull him up, and hold on, but my legs stayed rooted in the dirt. My feet seemed unconnected to my body.
He stood and looked in my direction. For a moment I thought he saw me. Then he turned and walked away. His body was quickly swallowed by the thick overgrown forest. A scream welled up inside my frozen lungs. The force of it threatened to explode my chest as it erupted up my throat, but then it drooled out as a strangled whisper from my tongue.

He was gone. I raced through the water to the place where he had sat. I pulled the crumpled grassy weeds from the pressed spot and held them to my breast, calling to him until the sun began its descent from the sky into the distant hills. Then I forced myself to walk away as well.

February 12

He came to me. I woke to the brush of his fingers over my cheek. I had fallen asleep on a manicured field. He found me there. I blinked, waiting for him to disappear, but he took me up. His arms held me and I could feel his love expelling with every breath that he poured into my mouth. I sucked it in. Nothing mattered. All the pain, anger and sorrow flowed away. He loves me. He came back for me. We talked and laughed for hours.

The sky opened and poured down on us, giant drops of rain bounced off our bodies and fed puddles on the ground. It didn't matter. We were together again. He carried my letter with him. Its not your fault, he told me. I hadn't chase him away. He was forced to go, he said, but he couldn't tell me why. Too soon he had to return to his new home, but told me to meet him there in the same place tomorrow.

February 13

We danced on the manicured lawn. I felt so alive again. I started to tell him about this past month, what it had been like without him. Softly he touched his finger to my lips. We can't change the past any more than we can guarantee the future, he said. I became frightened that he was going to leave again. He smiled and told me that he would never desert me. If he must go away again I'll go with him. I don't care where. He held me in his loving arms. His lips caressed my neck and face. My clothes fell to the ground as his hands brushed them aside. He laid me down on a cool gray stone and loved me.

February 14

I went to see Jason again today. There were others in the field. Some held flowers. They knelt by cold slabs and whispered to their silent loves. I've grown impatient these past days. I walked to Jason's place with a basket on my arm. I brought him fudge. Most of the others brought Valentine bouquets instead. Jason has always preferred chocolate.

I hid my eager lust behind a thin facade of sorrow, out of compassion for the others. Jason was eager too. I felt him rumble, his heart beating up through the ground beneath my feet. They took so long to leave. I wanted to shoo them away. Finally they wiped their tears and left us alone. Then Jason came to me. His warm arms encircled my body. I laid my head on his beating chest and breathed in his rich musky scent.